


A Bug's Life A.K.A. The Fake Date

by AbsintheVerte



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Literally that's it just a thin excuse for a fake dating trope why not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 11:36:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14715281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbsintheVerte/pseuds/AbsintheVerte
Summary: The fake dating fic that nobody asked for. Lister and Cat have been kidnapped, and you have a plan that, of course, necessitates going undercover as a couple with Arnold Rimmer. TROPES GALORE, sexual tension, exactly what you expect.





	A Bug's Life A.K.A. The Fake Date

**Author's Note:**

> A few non-archive warnings: Alcohol use, unintentional drug use (mild, comedic, no sexual implications related to it).
> 
> Also warning that there are probably some inaccuracies to to with how hardlight works and/or the layout of Starbug. But as Red Dwarf is hardly consistent itself about this type of thing, I hope this is forgivable.

“No. Absolutely not. Not under any circumstances.”

“Oh come _on,_ Rimmer. What’s the problem? It’s only pretend, we just need to sit there, have a fake dinner and try to find out where they took them.”

“And if that’s all we need to do, I fail to see any reason we need to pretend to be a couple! It’s ridiculous. And quite frankly, I don’t know why we’re bothering. Who needs them? Me, you and Kryten. We're the ones that do all the work around here, and what’s more-"

“RIMMER. We’re not leaving them. They would never leave us! Well, okay, Cat would leave us for a packet of fish fingers, but Dave would never leave us! We’re doing my plan, and that’s final.” you said, marching down to your bunk before Rimmer could say another word.

 

* * *

 

 

You applied the finishing touches to your makeup as you mulled over the plan in your mind.

You’d landed on a planet which had seemed friendly enough at first, populated by a mix of generally humanoid beings. Somehow, Cat and Lister had managed to get themselves kidnapped by some kind of lizardman mafia (you were sure Cat and his big mouth were likely to blame). After a bit of investigation with the locals, you’d discovered the lizard mafia liked to frequent a restaurant called “Zzzthtztzzthz”, which Kryten had informed you translated roughly to “Slimy Joe’s Bug and Burger Joint”. Your plan was to go to the restaurant, try to listen in on their conversation and hopefully find out where they had taken Cat and Lister. You had a Holly watch for translations, and Kryten was going to pretend to be a waiterbot so he could make sure you got a table next to them.

That only left the part of the plan where you...pretended to be on a date with Arnold J Rimmer. Admittedly, this was the part of the plan that was most likely to go wrong, given that you had now been with the Red Dwarf crew for over a year and he _still_ acted like an awkward teenager around you most of the time. You’d just have to cover for him as best you could; you were a pretty good actress, although pretending to be attracted to Rimmer might be the most challenging role you'd ever attempted.

“Miss, the lizard mafia has just arrived at the restaurant,” came Kryten’s voice from your watch, making you jump.

“Great, thanks Kryten, we’ll be there as soon as,” you replied. Kryten nodded and his face disappeared from the screen.

“Rimmer, are you ready? We need to go,” you said, walking into Starbug’s main hold.

“What on _earth_ are you wearing?!” said Rimmer as he stepped into the room, looking at you like you’d just sprouted antenna.

“It’s called a dress, Rimmer. A lot of people wear them. There’s a hole in the bottom that you put your legs through, and-“

“But _why_?”

“Well what do you expect me to wear, a Red Dwarf unif- oh my god, Rimmer, why are you wearing a Red Dwarf uniform?” you said, rubbing at the quickly forming headache in your temple.

“Why am _I-_ it’s regulation! There is nothing wrong with this uniform, it's perfectly pressed!”

“Except we’re meant to be on a _date_ , who wears that to a date? Wait, don't answer that.  Just wear something else, something you’d wear on a day off, we need to look inconspicuous.”

You could practically see the steam coming out of his ears at the order, but after a few moments of looking like he might explode, he said:

" _Fine._ Holly, my Sunday best, if you please."

A second later, Rimmer was wearing his white dress uniform, with his service medals pinned neatly to the front.

You sighed loudly. He was lucky he wasn't in hardlight mode yet, or you might have hit him.

"Great choice, Rimmer, really subtle. I'm sure the lizard people will just think I've gone on a date with Captain Bird's Eye!"

Rimmer's nostrils flared, and he opened his mouth to retort, but you held up your hand, cutting him off before he could say anything.

“You know what? It’s fine, we don't have time for this. Let’s just go.”

 

* * *

 

 

You stood outside the restaurant. It hadn't been a long walk from Starbug, and you needed a moment to psych yourself up before you went in.

"So you remember the plan?" you asked, more to buy yourself a few extra seconds to think than because you thought he wouldn't.

"Understand it? Yes. Agree with it? No, but I _think_ I've made my feelings quite clear on that one."

"Painfully clear. And you're in hardlight mode?"

"Yes, yes."

"Then come over here," you said, gesturing to the space of at least two feet between you.

"What do you mean? I am here. In fact, as we just established, I am as _here_ as I am physically capable of being."

"That's not what I-" you huffed, and then closed the space between you, so that you were standing side by side.

"Give me your hand," you said brusquely, holding out your left hand, palm upwards.

"What on earth for?"

"BECAUSE, Rimmer, people who are on dates hold hands. So either you hold my hand, or you put your arm around my waist. Your choice."

Rimmer paused, his arm seemingly stuck half way between moving and staying firmly at his side. A few moments of indecision, you felt him awkwardly place his hand on your waist. He was barely touching you, but you became acutely aware of that one miniscule spot. You were struck by the thought that you had probably never been this physically close to Rimmer before, and _definitely_ never had Rimmer touch you. It was, as Rimmer alluded to, quite impossible most of the time anyway, so even an unintentional brush of hands was not an experience likely to occur. The closest you'd been other than this was the time you'd accidentally walked through his outstretched leg and he'd lectured you for a week about how rude it was to walk through someone's hologram. And now, here you were, with his hand on your waist, and you couldn't feel his arm per se, but you could feel its presence, feel the existence of it behind your back. Feel his existence on your left hand side. You had become suddenly aware that he was a bit taller than you thought he was. It was all very weird.

Realising that if you stood outside the place much longer, people might start to find you suspicious, you forced your legs to move forward. This in turn made Rimmer's grip on your waist momentarily tighten, and you almost froze again, but you managed to keep yourself going, trying your best to school your features into a blandly happy look, rather than vaguely sick. You were starting to wonder if this whole thing might not have been such a good idea after all.

"Ah! Hello, sir and madam. Table for two?" Kryten said as you reached the front desk. He had that look on his face he always had when he thought he was being extremely subtle and clever. You tried not to roll your eyes.

Kryten lead you over to a cosy booth in the corner, right across from what was clearly the Lizard mafia's table (judging by the suits, fedoras and hissing). You sat down first, moving yourself to the middle of the booth, where you'd have a good view of their table. Rimmer sat down after you in the right hand side. He had a slightly worse view, but was closer to their table, and obscured their view of you slightly, which was helpful. Once you were sat, Kryten handed you both menus.

"Can I get you anything to drink? I must say, as a complete outside observer who has absolutely never met you before, you seem a very happy and believable couple! Why, I'd say you two lovebirds must have been together for years!" he said loudly.

"Thank you, _waiter._ Could you just step close and look at this, please?" said Rimmer between gritted teeth, pointing at the menu.

As soon as Kryten leaned over, Rimmer grabbed him by the lapels, dragging him down to whisper to him:

"Kryten you great goit, if you don't shut up this menu is going to be shoved so far up your backside it will activate your shredder function."

"We're trying to be inconspicuous here, Kryten, could you find us a bit less fascinating please?" you hissed, leaning your head forward as if you were also looking at Rimmer's menu.

"Sorry," Kryten whispered, before standing back up again, smoothing down his lapels.

"What I meant to say was what an utterly unremarkable pair you are. Nobody could pick you out of a line-up, and that's a fact!"

You hung your head in your hands. There really was no hope for him sometimes. You could see Rimmer starting to roll the menu up into a tube from the corner of your eye.

"A bottle of your strongest red wine, please," you said, dully.

Kryten nodded and scuttled off to the kitchen before Rimmer could carry out his threat.

"Well this is going well so far, I'm so glad we went with your plan," said Rimmer under his breath as he unrolled his menu to look at it again.

"Yes, I know, but we're doing it now so we'll just have to try to make the best of it, Arnold," you said, changing to a warm and happy tone mid-sentence and smiling at him as an old woman walked passed your table.

"Arn- oh, right," said Rimmer as he looked up and saw the woman pass by.

He seemed strangely affected by your use of his first name, even though he understood the reason behind it. It might have just been the slightly dimmed lighting of the restaurant, but it looked like there was a faint blush to his cheeks. It was oddly endearing. You shook your head lightly; where had that thought come from?

Kryten appeared before long with the wine, pouring you both a glass. You took a sip at once, and nearly choked.

"Bloody hell, I know I said the strongest wine, but this _is_ fit for human consumption, isn't it?" you said, fighting back your urge to cough.

"It is, I've checked," said Kryten proudly.

"Okay, uh, thanks. I think we need a few more minutes with the menu," you said.

Kryten disappeared to the kitchen again. You took another sip anyway, and it went down easier this time. It tasted like wine that had been laced with whiskey, but was surprisingly pleasant, once you got used to it. You put your arm on the table, leaning on your hand and trying to look like you were leisurely scouring the menu while you whispered at the Holly-watch.

"Holly, is there anything on here that's actually edible?"

"Technically, it all is. Bugs are considered a delicacy in some cultures, you know. And the cockroach vindaloo gets top reviews on Yelp."

"Great, I'll be sure to tell Lister, should we ever see him again. But is there anything that people with normal digestive systems might be willing to eat?"

"I'm fairly sure number 5 is a kind of risotto. Definitely the least insect-y. Just, er, don't ask me what the crunchy black bits are."

You tried to repress a shudder.

"Great, thanks Hol. You heard anything interesting from our lizard friends?"

"Not so far, but it's a bit hard to hear them, if I'm honest. My Lizardese isn't the best. You'll have to get a bit nearer."

You moved a few inches towards Rimmer.

"Is that better?"

"Not really," said Holly morosely.

Sighing, you moved again, so you were only a few inches away from Rimmer.

"Now?"

"Not quite, can't you get a bit nearer than that?"

"Holly, if she moves much nearer, she'll be sitting in my lap," said Rimmer sardonically, and you could see now that he was definitely blushing.

Tutting to yourself, you moved again so your leg was completely pressed against Rimmer's, and grabbed his right hand, which was resting on the table, in yours. There was now no way Holly wouldn't be able to hear them, you couldn't have been closer.

"Better?" you said, looking at Rimmer but talking to Holly.

"Cheers," whispered Holly, and her face disappeared, replaced with the digital clock display once more.

Rimmer was staring at your face in a very resolute way, and it took you a moment to realise that, from this angle, your neckline might be a bit more risqué than you intended. You racked your brain for something to talk about.

"Your hand feels very...warm," you said stupidly. You cleared your throat. "I mean, it feels real. Like you're really..."

"Alive?" said Rimmer.

"...yes," you said, feebly.

Rimmer had pulled the front of his hair down to cover the 'H', and if you didn't know, you might have thought he really was alive. But he wasn't, and he never would be. You'd never taken the time to feel sorry for him for that. You met his gaze for a moment that seemed to stretch out for an impossibly long time, at a loss as to what to say.

"Well, hardlight does give me all the functions I had when I was alive, including the ability to eat. We'd better order something," he said, looking away from you and back to the menu.

"Oh, er, yes, of course," you stumbled over your words, and felt heat rising to your cheeks. Perhaps you shouldn't have any more of that wine; it was clearly doing funny things to you.

Kryten came back after a few moments, and you both ordered the mystery risotto. It didn't take long for the meal to arrive, but it seemed like an eternity in which you had to keep your hand on Rimmer's so that Holly could continue to hear the table across. You could feel your palm sweating lightly, much to your embarrassment. Your only consolation was that so was his - it seemed he was right; however it worked, hardlight mode made him functionally the same as a living human.

"Here we are, sir and madam. _Bon appétit"_ said Kryten, and you moved your hand away so he could set down the two bowls.

You took a look at the greyish and suspicious looking sludge in your bowl, and immediately took another gulp of wine, forgetting your earlier resolution to avoid it. If you were going to attempt to eat that stuff, you'd need it. You moved your head to lean on your hand again, while lifting the spoon with the other, pretending to be interested in it.

"Did you get any info yet, Holly? Can we go?" you whispered out of the corner of your mouth.

"They've definitely been talking about them. Seems they're locked in a cellar somewhere, and the big blue one has the key. I just need a bit longer to find out where the cellar is."

You tried not to sigh out loud. You really didn't want to have to eat this risotto, but you'd have to at least look like you were, if you wanted to continue to blend in.

Rimmer suddenly cleared his throat, and you looked over at him quizzically. He met your eyes and then looked pointedly down under the table. You followed his gaze to see that, somehow, Rimmer must have managed to kick someone's handbag from under their own table to yours, and was now using it at a bin, slipping bits of his risotto from off his spoon and into the bag in the most subtle way he could manage.

"You sneaky bastard," you said, grinning at him. He gave you a smug little smirk back, clearly pleased with himself.

It took a while for you to manage to sneak an acceptable amount of your risotto into the poor unsuspecting victims' bag, during which you also managed to finish off your wine, more as a distraction than anything. You were trying to think of a way to get Holly back closer to the Lizard's table, but other than suddenly swapping seats with Rimmer, which would seem strange, you were at a loss.

Kryten came over to take your bowls, and offered you the dessert menu.

"We have a special on the desserts today! Trifle, human-style. No bugs, a real authentic dish!" he said, giving you both his best attempt at a wink.

"Sounds fantastic," you said, and for once you were telling the truth. You'd been in the restaurant for ages now, and you were absolutely starving. Anything without bugs sounded like heaven.

A hissing came from the table across, and Kryten turned to the Lizard mafioso who was talking.

"You'd like to order the trifle too? Right away, sirs! Human food is certainly becoming the next food fad, you're very right."

Kryten made his way back to the kitchen, leaving you and Rimmer with an empty table once more. You were considering taking his hand again as you had previously, but realised that after finishing off that glass of wine, you really needed to use the bathroom.

The bathroom signs were a bit complicated, but you eventually worked out which one seemed to be for humanoid women, and the facilities were much the same as you were used to. As you reapplied your lipstick in the mirror, another woman came to wash her hands next to you.

"You look lovely, dear," she said, and you glanced at her, realising she was the same old lady who had passed by your table earlier in the evening.

"Oh, thanks," you said awkwardly.

"First date?"

"Er, no...I mean, that is...not really..." you stumbled, not able to decide if it would be better or worse for your cover if it was.

"Sorry dear, I don't mean to pry! I just wanted to reassure you, dear - if you're worried about how he feels at all, don't be. I've seen the looks he's been giving you all night. Oh, I remember when I used to get those looks! He's been bitten by the bug, believe you me!"

With that, the woman squeezed your cheeks between her fingers, made some kind of noise halfway between a coo and an excited squeal, and left. You stood in place for a few seconds, bemused.

"Bugs. Why is everything in this place about bugs?"

 

* * *

 

You left the bathroom after a few minutes, trying desperately not to think about what the woman had said. It was just the ramblings of a clearly slightly senile woman, and nothing more. That was what you were telling yourself, and what you would continue to tell yourself whenever you thought about this night again. Not that you would. It was just another bizarre incident in the generally odd lives of the Red Dwarf crew, and there would be absolutely no reason to think about this night in particular.

"Thank god you're back, I think they're getting suspicious," Rimmer whispered a bit too close to your ear as soon as you sat down, causing you to shiver.

"What did you do?" you said immediately.

"Me? Not a thing! Well, maybe there was a _small_ incident where I was trying to return that bag to the table behind and I might have...ended up stuck between the table and the chair. It wasn't my fault, the woman stood up and trapped me in! Anyway, I think we might need to wrap this up," he said, gesturing discreetly over to the table.

You could see the lizard people were indeed looking over at you both, hissing at each other urgently.

"But we need to know where they're keeping them, Rimmer! Look, we just need to give them no reason to suspect us. Make them turn away. Convince them we're just a regular...couple..."

You hadn't even finished your sentence before you thought of it. The one thing that might solve both your problems at once. There was probably, definitely, another solution, but you were running out of time and now you'd thought of it, you could think of _nothing_ else.

"Kiss me," you said before you lost your nerve.

"What?" said Rimmer, looking at you like you'd just declared that you actually loved beetle risotto.

"I said, _kiss me_ ," you whispered urgently, "We need to do _something_ to convince them we're a couple, and we need to do it NOW."

"B-but...I...I..." Rimmer stumbled, pale as a sheet, staring at your lips but making no move towards them.

"Oh, smegging hell," you muttered, before grabbing his face between both your hands and planting your lips on his.

As you expected, Rimmer froze as soon as your lips made contact with his. You were relieved at least that he didn't pull away - that would have blown your cover for sure - and you turned his head slightly away from the other table so that they wouldn't be able to see how stilted the fake kiss was.

But then, a very unexpected thing happened. He kissed you back. Not only that but - and it was your last coherent thought before your mind went entirely blank - he was _good._ In less than a second you seemed to go from lips awkwardly pressed against each other to one of the most passionate kisses you'd ever experienced. You forgot who or why, lost in the feeling of the stubble on his chin rubbing against your bottom lip, and the need to pull his lip between your teeth and run them over it lightly, and the feeling of your tongues touching as you turned your head to kiss deeper, and your hands were draped around his neck now, while one of his was buried in the back of your hair and the other held your waist, and everything seemed to be speeding up, and what was that faint sound, like someone calling your name from far away...

"Hello? HELLO? Is this thing still on?"

You realised it was Holly, and you pulled away from Rimmer so suddenly that you heard a loud, wet smack as your lips parted. You blushed furiously. You were even more embarrassed when you realised that, somehow, you'd ended up halfway onto Rimmer's lap. You couldn't even look at him as you climbed off, and back into your seat. You saw him move so his hands were positioned in a very peculiar position in his lap as soon as you did.

"Sorry Holly, what was that?" you said quietly, turning away from Rimmer so that your hair fanned out and covered your face as you spoke.

"Look, I dunno how you solved that problem with getting me close again, but however you did it, it worked! I know where they are. I've told Kryten too, he says he has a plan. You just need to finish off here and get out!"

"Okay, great, thanks Hol," you said, watching her disappear from the screen.

You didn't move, too scared to turn and face Rimmer again. What on earth were you meant to say? You didn't even know what had happened. One minute, it was like kissing a waxwork, and the next... you couldn't believe it. Rimmer, Arnold Judas Rimmer, could kiss like _that?_ Impossible. You chanced a glance at him from beneath your hair. He looked as shocked as you felt, and his hands were still held in that funny position.

"Your trifles, sir and madam!"

You hadn't even noticed Kryten come over until the bowls were being put down in front of you. You welcomed the distraction, grabbing your spoon and beginning to wolf down the food at once.

"So what's the plan?" whispered Rimmer to Kryten, as he too started on what was in fact quite a delicious piece of trifle.

"Quite ingenious, sir. I laced their trifles with sleeping pills, they'll be out like a light in no time, and then it's off to the rescue!"

You both dropped your spoons immediately.

"And it was definitely in their bowls? No chance you could have mixed them up?" you said.

"No need to worry! I didn't want to get confused, so I just laced the whole trifle with sleeping pills, there's no way it's not going to get them!"

You could feel your head start to get woozy.

"The whole triflle?"

"Yes, madam!"

"Including this one?"

"Yes, of course- ah. I see. I think I'm beginning to see a slight flaw in what was, otherwise, a quite brilliant plan."

"Kryten, you are without doubt the most thick-headed, absurd, and infinitely stupid android that has ever been programmed. If I were to-"

You became distracted then by your face suddenly making contact with something cold and squishy, and you realised your head had dropped into your bowl of trifle. You had the faint thought that you were definitely going to feed Kryten into the waste disposal as soon as you were back on Starbug...oh god, bugs, again, would they ever leave you alone? Your eyes closed, your face still slumped in your trifle.

 

* * *

 

"Good morning!"

"Ugh..." you covered your ears. Your head was throbbing, and that cheery Northern voice cut through like a knife in hot butter. What on earth had you drunk last night? Slowly, the memories started to come back to you.

"Ugh....bloody Kryten...I'm going to kill him....just as soon as I can move..." you mumbled, turning over and opening your eyes.

You were clearly back on Starbug, and staring up at the bottom of one of the bunks. Lister was at the mirror, shaving, and whistling in an annoyingly cheery way.

"What happened? How did you get back?"

"Kryten came and let us out. He told us the whole story. The lizards didn't bother leaving a guard, so Kryten only needed to get the key off the blue one and then followed Holly's directions to find us. Then we had to come back to the restaurant to get you two," he said.

Lister seemed to barely be able to keep himself from smirking constantly. He obviously had something more to say, and was having the time of his life leading up to it.

"Right? And?" you said impatiently. You didn't know whether it was the wine, the pills, or the combination that was making you feel like death, but you were in no mood to play his game.

"Interesting look Rimmer had going,"

You frowned in confusion.

"What do you mean? Did he go face first into the trifle too?"

"Nope," he said, popping the 'p', still grinning at himself as he finished shaving.

"Then what?"

"Didn't think it suited him."

"Lister, get to the point or I'm going to ask Holly to jettison all the curry on this ship."

"That shade he was wearing," he said, drying his face on a towel.

"That shade of WHAT?" You snapped, causing a jolt of pain to shoot through your head.

Lister started to walk towards the door, but turned to you before he reached it, his grin wider than ever.

"That shade of your lipstick."

You felt the blood drain from your face.

"I..It was necessary! It was fake, just acting! For our cover!" you spluttered.

"If that was acting, I'd love to know how you leave a bloke looking when you really mean it," he said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively before walking out of the room.

"I didn't- I wasn't-" you started, but gave up when you realised he was half way down the corridor, whistling tunelessly.

Great. If Lister knew, that meant everyone knew. But knew what? That was something you'd have to work out for yourself.

 


End file.
